DEAN AND DAWES: Coming of Age Mom Disaster

Hosted by: Jackie Dawes and Timothy “Dean” Gager

To appear on the podcast, buy an advertisement or give listener feedback to email thetwodeans@gmail.com or deananddawespodcast@gmail.com Join the Facebook Group: Fans or Listeners of Dean and Dawes or Text Us through the app you listen to the podcast from

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Show notes

Guest: Teisha

Hosted by: Jackie Dawes and Timothy Gager

1)     Dean and Dawes Countdown! 

2)     Exes and currents---Dean makes points

3)     Talk about real apps 

a) Duet Dating App https://apps.apple.com/us/app/duet-dating-app-chat-meet/id1673723000  

b) Book Lover Dating https://www.booklovers.dating/

4)     Netflix Show “Something Very Bad is going  to Happen”

5)     Listener Feedback

6)     App Time - U UP?

Jackie Dawes is a Teacher, writer, ADHD survivor, Imposter …somewhere Ms. Kursman is laughing hysterically.

Timothy “Dean” Gager has published 20 books of fiction and poetry, which includes his latest novel, The Shadows of the Seen, forthcoming with Pierian Springs Press in 2025. He hosted the successful Dire Literary Series in Cambridge, MA from 2001 to 2018, and started a weekly virtual series in 2020. He has had over 1000 works of fiction and poetry published, 18 nominations for the Pushcart Prize. His work also has been nominated twice for a Massachusetts Book Award, The Best of the Web, The Best Small Fictions Anthology and has been read on National Public Radio. 

 The 2 Deans produced by Timothy Gager

Theme song and App Time Jingle written and performed by Delaware’s Aspartame Daddies

If you want MERCH. Dean and Dawes Sweatshirts ($45), and t-shirts ($30)

 The 2 Deans produced by The Oddball Foundation

Theme song and App Time Jingle written and performed by Delaware’s Aspartame Daddies

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey everyone, this is Brian O'Neill here in beautiful Florida Keys, and you're listening to the two Deans, Dating, Dread, and Disasters. What I really want to ask you all is when's the last time you had a date in this town?

SPEAKER_00 0:11

The following podcast are the opinions and satire of Dean.

SPEAKER_01 0:16

And Dean. And maybe some truth.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

And in no way represents the opinions and lack of satire of anyone else but ourselves.

SPEAKER_01 0:26

But the people might be true. The story you're about to hear is true. The means have been changed to protect the innocent. Hello, everybody.

SPEAKER_02 1:01

Oh, how's it going, Dean?

SPEAKER_01 1:03

It's going great, Jackie. Do you know why I had you do the countdown? Like, first we're gonna was very technically involved here. So it was like, we're on the air in three, two, one. Noah, you did know why I had you do the countdown this week?

SPEAKER_02 1:15

I don't know because I always ruin the beginnings.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

Because hey, you're always in the in the middle of like saying something or doing something right when the show like drops, and the first thing you show is like, whoa! So we're gonna have you counting.

SPEAKER_02 1:29

I love the countdown. That was really fun, actually.

SPEAKER_01 1:32

We're gonna have the top 10 countdown of countdowns.

SPEAKER_02 1:35

I think I was good at it, okay? I wish that it was recording my countdown. That's how good it was. That's how good it was.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

We're gonna promise people next week. We're gonna include the countdown, which means that you have to do a pre-countdown.

SPEAKER_02 1:49

So I'm gonna go three, two, one.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

That'll be recording in progress.

SPEAKER_02 1:54

Three, two, one, and it's not gonna be good. I don't know. We'll have to think about that next week.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

People are gonna love it. So uh we've got a guest tonight. We wanna tell our people, tell the little deans what to expect.

SPEAKER_02 2:09

Well, I don't know what to expect, Dean, because this guest happens to be It's one of my exes, but it's not It's an ex of yours!

SPEAKER_03 2:17

Yay!

SPEAKER_01 2:18

It's not the show that people are expecting because we've hinted at the fact to bring our exes on and they would say what's wrong with us, but it's not that's not what the show is gonna be tonight.

SPEAKER_02 2:27

No, it's not. It's not gonna be any fun like that. But hopefully they have a really good story.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

Oh they have a great story. I already know it. And uh you you don't, so you're gonna be surprised.

SPEAKER_02 2:40

It almost feels unfair that only one of us knows the story this time, but that'll be okay. We'll work it out.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

But you know, this is this is somebody uh, you know, this is a rarity. It's an ex that still talks to us and talks to me and wants to be on the show. It's a rarity.

SPEAKER_02 2:55

Yeah, and we we kind of gotta get we get a glimpse at your kind of like your um preference, your your like your type, quote unquote type. So she's really cute as a button, but we're a podcast. We're a podcast.

SPEAKER_01 3:08

It's great, you can just describe it. That's great. So, you know, I I gained some points in that direction.

SPEAKER_02 3:13

You do get points because she's super cute.

SPEAKER_01 3:16

Yes, that is awesome. Thank you. Maybe maybe the two of you can date.

SPEAKER_02 3:21

I'm not that fluid, but uh, if I was fluid, I would be interested in that.

SPEAKER_01 3:26

Well, this is the person, this is how I got her on the show. This is okay, this is the person that I asked out the waitress for her.

SPEAKER_02 3:35

You asked the oh from last week. That's what we talked about last week.

SPEAKER_01 3:40

And that's the hat, and that's the hat that she touched.

SPEAKER_02 3:43

Oh, it is cute. Oh. So maybe Tisha is in a maybe Jackie, you want to give Tisha your number. No, I I unfortunately really like men.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Well, you can like both.

SPEAKER_02 3:58

You can. People do, and they're great, but I don't not sexually. I mean, so I guess I'm boring. No, it's it's boring. Now you've made it now. I've you've just uh added me to the whole world. Outed Yeah You've outed my sexuality.

SPEAKER_01 4:17

I'm so I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 4:19

That's okay.

SPEAKER_01 4:20

We just eliminated half of our audience.

SPEAKER_02 4:23

No, we didn't, they don't care what I am. But you know what's fun is that now I can completely envision the entire not our listeners can't, but the entire thing in the restaurant with the like the waitress kind of flirting and the hat, because the hat is cute, and you didn't say it had squeaky things in the ears, of course. So how about you did not describe this hat enough to make us understand?

SPEAKER_01 4:47

If you want to see the hat, join the Facebook group and the preview is uh will be a little video.

SPEAKER_02 4:52

So we can do any waiter or waitress is gonna be like, oh my gosh, this is so cute, and they're gonna want to touch it because it's like furry and it has squeakies in it. That's ridiculous.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

It's ridiculous.

SPEAKER_02 5:02

Of course.

SPEAKER_01 5:04

All right, so uh my our next segment is we're gonna talk about um the the woman I'm currently seeing had a colonoscopy this week. Is there a way to make that funny?

SPEAKER_02 5:15

Um I don't I don't know how to make it funny.

SPEAKER_01 5:19

I just said this so I can get double kados because I got some kudos for the for the first part of the show.

SPEAKER_02 5:26

And so you have a cute ex, and then now you want to talk about your cute current girlfriend who's having a colonoscopy.

SPEAKER_01 5:34

Yeah. That's um that's you gave me kudos when we discussed this pregame. You said it just goes you're dating someone Oh, that's right, I forgot.

SPEAKER_02 5:42

It does go to show that you're dating somebody in your own age bracket, and I do love that about you. Yay!

SPEAKER_01 5:48

That's just an assumption. She could be very young with just some like medical issues.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

It's true. Colon colon cancer is now affecting many younger adults, and if you're having any symptoms, you should get yourself Dean and Dawes, public service announcement. But at the same time, if somebody's getting a colonoscopy, the implication is that they are 45 or older, and that makes you a good guy for dating in your age bracket.

SPEAKER_01 6:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:15

I did say that earlier. That was funny of me.

SPEAKER_03 6:22

Now we just lost half of our listeners.

SPEAKER_01 6:24

Oh no, actually, this is kind of funny. Do you know what? Do you know what I did find out about it?

SPEAKER_03 6:29

What?

SPEAKER_01 6:29

If you have better the better your insurance is, the more they knock you out. Like if you've got crappy insurance, they keep you awake during the colonoscopy.

SPEAKER_02 6:39

Well, I don't think it's like called Twilight, right? They give you Twilight?

SPEAKER_01 6:44

Is that is that the movie?

SPEAKER_02 6:45

I prefer uh there are many, there are different kinds of anesthesia, and there's propofol, and there's um Isn't that Twilight Twilight 6 where Kristen Stewart gets a colonoscopy? I don't think so. It's not even funny. Even T just is going now. I'm on T colonoscopy. Um, so no, and I don't I I do know that it costs me an extra $300 every time I have one done, so that I can get the kind of anesthesia that does not make you nauseous. There is one kind that that makes you nauseous, and if you pay extra, you can have the kind that doesn't make you throw up afterwards.

SPEAKER_01 7:24

Yeah, and the the procedure, and any of you young folks, it's not all that scary, just the prep is scary.

SPEAKER_02 7:29

But like isn't even scary, it's just uncomfortable and gross.

SPEAKER_01 7:33

Well, like like if you chewed the head off like your toys as a child and they stayed like stuck in your intestines, you get to see them again, which is great.

SPEAKER_03 7:43

Oh, you look?

SPEAKER_01 7:45

Doesn't everyone look?

SPEAKER_02 7:46

That's that's another that's no one looks you do kind of have to look eventually because so much has come out of you that they're waiting for it to be completely clear. But I don't I don't know that I I don't I don't know that I'm so what you having for dinner tonight, Jackie? I don't think it I don't want to just this conversation. We're losing everybody. We're even losing me. You're gonna lose the ghosts.

SPEAKER_01 8:09

All right, so let's talk about some real apps that I find ridiculous. Now we have fake apps that for app time, but these are sort of real apps. So the the first one is um one of the opposites of ours. We have an we have an an app that's uh basically you never meet the person. It's called the texting app. All you do is text them and you never meet. It's for people that never want to meet, right?

SPEAKER_02 8:32

That was one of our app times, right?

SPEAKER_01 8:34

Yeah, and so on my Facebook social media, because they listen to everything that I say.

SPEAKER_03 8:41

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 8:42

They and they know Facebook media knows that I do a dating podcast. Um they gave me this suggestion, it's called duet match. And this is duet match, and what it is, it's for people that don't text at all. It's tired of endless texting, match with real people who actually want to meet up in this weekend. Skip the small talk and find a date. And they have a little picture, and the sad guy is, I need a hug. And the gal who he doesn't know at all, obviously, says, Hold on, give me 10 minutes. And there's a little map where they can meet for the hub. It's near it's near high-end hiring, Murray Hill, and Whole Foods, according to the sad. That's where they're gonna hug.

SPEAKER_02 9:23

That is so cute, but like the app anybody can join. You don't have to live near that area to do this app, right?

SPEAKER_01 9:29

Yeah, but you know what I find though is dangerous about this app? You may not have time. If you basically there's no texting and really not meeting the you have no time to really screen them.

SPEAKER_02 9:38

This is just like going to a bar. This is like going to a bar on Friday and Saturday night when we were kids, when we were teenagers, that's how we met them.

SPEAKER_01 9:45

So say you tell you give me a message, I need a hug, and we'll be like, okay, I'll be there right away. Let's meet deep in the dark woods. Ugh. And then you know, like that's it really opens up.

SPEAKER_02 9:56

Well, I mean, when you go to the bar and you meet somebody, you don't just say, hey.

SPEAKER_01 10:01

That's true. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:02

I mean, I guess some people do, but I mean, again, I think they're saying, I want to meet somebody, I don't want to wait around, I just want to meet you. Meet me at such and such. That's meeting in public. That's kind of safe. Yeah. I don't I they're not saying meet me in the woods. And if they do, that's one you should skip. But I think it's cool. It's like last-minute travel, right? Like if you can afford there's a lot of these last-minute travel sites where if you got like 500 bucks, we'll we'll let you go to Europe for 200 bucks. I'm telling you, last minute travel is kind of cool.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

So you can get a cheap hug in the last minute. Is that what you're saying?

SPEAKER_02 10:34

You can get a cheap fling, and you know, and and maybe we'll get you something good. I think it's a great plan. Now we like that app.

SPEAKER_01 10:42

Now we had a debate over this one, and I guess you were like, Why are you so pissed off?

SPEAKER_02 10:48

Yeah, you sent me a picture and everything. You were mad at this one.

SPEAKER_01 10:50

Oh, you said this is upsetting. And the reason it's upsetting is because every niche they try to cash in and take your money for dating apps. And this one, I mean, I'm totally not against it. This is something I'd be interested in. It's called Book Lovers, and it's the dating. Obviously, the tagline is really original. I mean, book people should be smart, right? It's called Book Lovers. Dating site for book lovers. Like, duh.

SPEAKER_02 11:15

And so mad. You're so mad against this poor site.

SPEAKER_01 11:19

I mean, I take my writing seriously and like, um, and even their little narrative. Dreamt of falling in love in a bookshop? There is special atmosphere in a bookstore, a warmth, an optimism. I don't know if I ever feel optimistic when I go to a bookstore, just saying. A beauty. All those books, period. All that, period. And that's that's their tagline.

SPEAKER_02 11:45

And is this an app that is attached to a particular bookstore?

SPEAKER_01 11:49

No, it's just people that like books.

SPEAKER_02 11:52

Right, but think about it like a Hallmark movie. And think about the audience they're really speaking to. They're not speaking to cool guy in the music band, they're speaking to women who like Jane Austen, or women, maybe not even as cool as those women, but women who like the Hallmark movies and like the Julia Roberts in in in London, right? That's in a bookshop. What's his name? Hugh Grant owns a bookshop, and Meg Ryan owns a bookshop when she meets Tom Hanks and Who's Got Mail. And there's so many of them on the Hallmark channel. And I think, unfortunately, a lot of women would j sign up for this, but not enough men would sign up.

SPEAKER_01 12:27

Well, here's here's my objection. And it's not an objective to the actual content. So the other day I was talking about like uh like a few months ago, I was talking about the Olympic women's hockey team. And you know how like your computer and like you know, uh Siri and uh Alexa, they listen to your conversations all day long?

SPEAKER_03 12:46

Yeah, I do.

SPEAKER_01 12:47

So I was in conversation about the women's hockey team, and the next day on social media, it was like dating app, meet women's hockey players in your area.

SPEAKER_02 12:56

Yes. So are you mad that they want to hook people up with hockey players, or are you mad that your privacy is being invaded?

SPEAKER_01 13:03

Both.

SPEAKER_02 13:06

All right. Well, it is weird. I think sometimes I can think about purchasing new curtains, and then all over my site the next day will be all different curtains, and I was only thinking about it. I didn't even say it out loud.

SPEAKER_01 13:18

All right, so let's see what my ads will show me this week. Hey, Siri, where do I meet women with penises?

unknown 13:26

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 13:28

I want to see if it shows up on my screen.

SPEAKER_00 13:29

Okay, I found this on the web for where do I meet women with penises? Check it out.

SPEAKER_01 13:34

Here's one that says Dinky One makes dating fun for modestly endowed men. Okay, there we go.

SPEAKER_02 13:40

So we'll see in the Modestly End, but you're just asking for women who happen to have penises. You didn't say anything about the size of the penis.

SPEAKER_01 13:47

All right, I'm gonna I'm gonna come back next week and report to see if I have any strange dating app suggestions on my strange, it should just be transgender and um what else the other words that they have that it just has to fit the niche. It's it's well I don't I don't mean it's now hold on. Let me take back my words. I don't mean that those people, places, etc., are strange. I just mean that it would be strange or your choices for me.

SPEAKER_02 14:13

Right, got you. Unusual choices on your site.

SPEAKER_01 14:16

And I mean it was strange that female hockey players suggested, but I don't think female hockey players are strange.

SPEAKER_02 14:22

Hmm. But it is strange for you to see them on your your site. I get you. I'm with you. I got you. You have said nothing wrong.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

Okay, so um, are you ready for listener feedback?

SPEAKER_02 14:34

Um if it's good, yes.

SPEAKER_01 14:37

It's very bland, it's very vanilla tonight.

SPEAKER_02 14:39

Vanilla!

SPEAKER_01 14:41

Vanilla.

SPEAKER_02 14:42

Should we share the vanillas?

SPEAKER_01 14:43

We'll share the vanilla.

SPEAKER_02 14:45

Alright, let's hear it. We'll put some sprinkles on it.

SPEAKER_01 14:48

I saw an ad. This is one. Dear Dean and Dawes.

SPEAKER_03 14:52

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 14:53

I saw an ad for the show you were talking about, your co-host was talking about for Half Man on HBO. That was the whole email.

SPEAKER_02 15:01

Oh, they should watch it. It's uncomfortably good. Good acting, but uncomfortable topic.

SPEAKER_01 15:09

You know what's really uncomfortable?

SPEAKER_02 15:11

What?

SPEAKER_01 15:12

Something very bad is about to happen. I was watching that. That is disturbingly horror. It's like having a nightmare with the Adams family, like a bloody-I've never watched it. Oh, no. I recommend it for like to watch during the daytime, not before you go to bed.

SPEAKER_02 15:29

Is it but is it about like horror forensic filesy kind of stuff?

SPEAKER_01 15:33

It's no, it's it's just weird. It's done by the people that it's produced by the people that did uh Stranger Things, but it's not a documentary. Scruesome horror. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:44

Ooh, no, I won't be watching that at all.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

Okay, more listener feedback. Are you ready?

SPEAKER_02 15:48

I'm ready.

SPEAKER_01 15:49

Uh the Angel Dust episode that dropped last week, they said it's it was so 70s. Right?

SPEAKER_02 15:59

It was 70s, it's true.

SPEAKER_01 16:01

I mean when did the date change?

SPEAKER_02 16:03

Although my episode happened, my my ex's Angel Dust thing happened in the 90s, but yeah, he just was more evolved, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 16:11

He was more evolved.

SPEAKER_02 16:12

Yeah, I think he was just hanging on.

SPEAKER_01 16:15

Well, the 70s, like, yeah, I mean, that was the Angel Dust was very 70s.

SPEAKER_02 16:19

It was very big in the 70s, actually.

SPEAKER_01 16:20

Do you remember when that date actually took place?

SPEAKER_02 16:24

Mine or the episode? It was the 70s, wasn't it?

SPEAKER_01 16:28

Yeah, so we honor ourselves, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:30

So we were we were accurate.

SPEAKER_01 16:32

So we'll shoot down that listener feedback.

SPEAKER_02 16:35

Yeah, well, maybe they meant it in a nice way.

SPEAKER_01 16:38

I got a lot of pictures of wicker furniture, wicker shoe, wicker mirror, mirror frames. So people, I guess they love the wicker things, and it it wasn't pro or con. I guess they just needed me to see it.

SPEAKER_02 16:53

Oh, they wanted to make sure you know it was very big, very big in the 80s.

SPEAKER_01 17:00

And then we had somebody that said, I heard the show, it was good, but they didn't know what wicker was, so I didn't understand know how they how they could understand the show if they didn't know what wicker was.

SPEAKER_02 17:11

Well, you maybe they googled it because that they didn't Google it, they didn't, they just hung on without knowing what it was.

SPEAKER_01 17:18

Well, then I mean I I was actually with the person, and then he googled it in front of me, and he said, these are nice, so maybe we can set him up with the girl that Brian.

SPEAKER_02 17:28

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder if she's still single.

SPEAKER_01 17:30

Hey, who knows?

SPEAKER_02 17:34

Yeah, we should be planning our Key West uh episodes, by the way. I just realized that.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

Yeah, our cons or uh Man on the Street.

SPEAKER_02 17:43

We could do a tour. No, no, I think we should tour. I think the podcast should tour and go to different cities and go live and go live from those cities, and maybe we could be at a bar and be finding out who's there on a first date and ask if it's a disaster. Say, hey, how's this date going? Can you?

SPEAKER_01 17:59

Well, if this is your first date, is a disaster? You can leave.

SPEAKER_02 18:03

No, no, no. Let's just talk about it. Maybe we can make it better. Let's fix your date for you.

SPEAKER_01 18:08

So now we can really fix your dating life.

SPEAKER_02 18:11

Uh-oh.

SPEAKER_01 18:12

Showing you ways to make lots of money with our fake apps that you can develop and and get money.

SPEAKER_02 18:20

Is it that time?

SPEAKER_01 18:21

Because we had listener feedback that said you're never ready with a with a jingle. So here you go.

SPEAKER_02 18:26

Eat a bag of uh oh, burno, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_01 18:37

Wasn't that good?

SPEAKER_02 18:38

We're on brand. We are so on brand.

SPEAKER_01 18:43

So uh I want to thank our guest Tisha that uh she gave us a ton of ideas for app time. So we're gonna teach you gives them to us and we give them to you.

SPEAKER_02 18:52

Okay, I'm gonna make sure you know that the music never played, right?

SPEAKER_01 18:55

What the h- Oh, you know what? That's why I'm laughing, dude. We're right in brand. How about next? Wow, so like, yeah, I'm recording on a new computer. Everything's sort of going wrong, and I had this original sound for musicians was off, so we didn't get the jingle, and I had it all ready. I was all proud of myself and shit.

SPEAKER_02 19:24

Now, look how happy we just made that complainer. We're gonna make them so happy and proud of themselves for calling us out.

SPEAKER_01 19:31

Okay, so we've got an app time. We got an app, and uh I don't have it on the paper, so let me think. What was the app that I wanted to talk about? Oh, okay. Okay, the app is called U U Up.

SPEAKER_03 19:48

You up.

SPEAKER_01 19:49

You up? You up?

SPEAKER_03 19:51

Oh yup.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

You're only allowed to contact people after the bars close.

SPEAKER_03 19:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:59

So the app shuts down all communication, and then then you can find people that are up. You can be like you up.

SPEAKER_02 20:05

2 a.m. Right. So this would be a hookup app, not like a let's find loads.

SPEAKER_01 20:09

Yeah, last call app. And it also comes with a the app will come with a bed shaker. So if you got a you up message, it wakes you up.

SPEAKER_02 20:17

Closing time. Okay, this sounds like a good idea. This is a good hookup app. If you know Tinder, we'll be in trouble.

SPEAKER_01 20:25

I know.

SPEAKER_02 20:26

I wonder if Tinder is more active at like 1 a.m. and later. That does make sense.

SPEAKER_01 20:32

Very possible.

SPEAKER_02 20:33

I've got another idea for an app, so I'll hold on to it till next week and you'll tell me what you think.

SPEAKER_01 20:38

Okay. I can't I just can't believe that I wrote down all the apps on our sheet and they just they just didn't appear.

unknown 20:45

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 20:47

Alright, I found a few. Never mind. Alright, so we're ready for our guest.

SPEAKER_02 20:51

I hope so. Our poor guest has had to sit through this whole thing. All of our faux pas today.

SPEAKER_01 20:55

Our all production disaster. So we're gonna have her on mute and we're gonna talk about her disaster. And this is a little off-brand, too. So uh come join us.

SPEAKER_02 21:06

Come on in. Hello, hi.

SPEAKER_01 21:10

So yours is not a dating disaster, but it does start with a guy, and you're talking to a guy.

SPEAKER_05 21:17

It's it's coming of age, I would say.

SPEAKER_01 21:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 21:20

So yes. So I'm at um a Quaker youth retreat. So it's like I think less like evangelical Christian camp, more like hippies, a lot of acoustic guitar sing-alongs. I think Quakers are nice. Yeah. So I'm talking to a guy, um, getting to like know him. He was new there. Um, I'm 17 at this point. Um kind of a late linker, um so to speak. And um this already is like a setup for disaster, honestly, but like I'm talking to him and something begins to happen, like something deeply personal. Um, so I uh excuse myself to the bathroom.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

Hold on, hold on. I think our list is exactly what's going on here. So uh the hint is were you wearing white pants at the time?

SPEAKER_05 22:14

I was not, thank goodness. Okay, but now we've got an idea of what the deeply personal was. Yes, thank you. Got it. Um, you know, I'm trying to compose myself. I sneak away to the bathroom.

SPEAKER_01 22:27

And this is right, and this is your first, correct? Yes.

SPEAKER_05 22:31

Okay, and I've been fibbing about it too. So I've been telling my friends that I had had it um for a while. So anytime my friends had it, I was like, yeah, me too, type of thing. Oh, 17. Okay. Very I was a gymnast too, so very late. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 22:48

Stunted your growth. Continue.

SPEAKER_05 22:50

Yes, totally. So I excuse myself to the bathroom, um, um, and I began to cry because you're supposed to. I think I did too. I think it's just very overwhelming. And um, I was in there for a while and I realized my friends are there, the ones I had been lying to, too. So I was just like hiding in there, hoping like things would work out. So eventually one of the older counselors came in and was like, what's going on in there? And I and I had to admit what was happening, and then they were like, handed me a sweatsheet to the door, sent me to the counselor's office.

unknown 23:29

Right.

SPEAKER_05 23:30

And we went in there. I am 17, but I did look younger again. Gymnasts, things were started. So the counselors there start taking out books like our bodies ourselves.

SPEAKER_02 23:41

Oh, my mom gave me that book. That's great. Although, this is you're just in case you didn't understand what was. Wait, is your date still waiting for you back in the cafeteria or something? I think, yeah, I I I probably okay. So you're you're getting the chapter course. Are they do they have the paraphernalia that you need in the nurse's office?

SPEAKER_01 24:00

Or do you just show you a film strip too?

SPEAKER_05 24:03

I mean, they wanted to, and I'm like sitting there like, oh god, this is not like I'm trying to explain to them, like, this is not the problem. It's not that I don't understand. Like, just give me the pad. Yes, just healthy. And and then they break, like, break it to me that like the protocol there is to call my mother. Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_01 24:23

When the real disaster begins.

SPEAKER_05 24:25

This is the real disaster. So I call her, and the thing I don't know is that she's been like preparing for this since the dawn of time. Yes, it's a big deal for a mom.

SPEAKER_01 24:36

Yes, dining for it.

SPEAKER_05 24:38

Yeah. So I call her and she's like, she was like an hour away, and she's like, I'm on my way. Oh no, she gets there in like 40 minutes.

SPEAKER_02 24:49

Oh my god, your mom is actually showing up for this?

SPEAKER_05 24:53

Oh yeah, oh yeah, she decided she was gonna show up. You're a poor date.

SPEAKER_03 24:57

Go ahead.

SPEAKER_05 24:58

Yes, so so I'm back in the common room. They released me. Okay, and and my friends are gathered around. The guy was there as well. And my mom shows up and she has a trunk. Oh no. Trunk. And she's like, Well, I didn't know what to bring.

SPEAKER_02 25:17

And she Is this in front of the people? Is this in front of them?

SPEAKER_05 25:21

In front of all my friends, my crush was there. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 25:24

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 25:25

And she clicks the button and it's like in slow motion. It just like explodes. I'm like, it's like, it's like pads, tampons, like you know, the old belts somehow that was in there. Like, just like explodes all over the place. This is so romantic. Yeah. At this point, I saw my crush like leave the room. Yes, I'm imagining that's exactly what he would say. And my mom begins to like weep and like like literally start to like, she's so excited for me. She's like, Congratulations, you're crying in joy. Oh god. And she's like pulling me in, like hugging me, and trying to like like really have an emotional moment with me. Like, she's like rocking me back and forth, like trying to pull me under like a baby who's now a woman. Yes. And I'm just trying to like hide the things that have popped out of the trunk.

SPEAKER_02 26:19

Like, oh my gosh. And all your friends who you've lied to now know that you were lying because they've now witnessed this terrible moment your mother created.

SPEAKER_01 26:28

So the worst part is there's a part that's worse than this.

SPEAKER_05 26:32

Okay. She she brought bracelets from my friends, like my closest friends. They're like they're clear beads, and they have like a red string that go through the clear beads.

SPEAKER_02 26:44

Yeah. Save them used tan bracelets.

SPEAKER_05 26:49

So she like gave them all these like period bracelets. So for like forever after, like, still, I have friends who still own these things that will wear them and be like, I I'm wearing your period bracelet. Like, how could you not?

SPEAKER_02 27:02

It's like you gave her a pick on your friend for the rest of her life. And to being a part, it's like an are you there, God? It's me, Margaret exposed, exposed moment, right?

SPEAKER_05 27:13

Yeah. So that's I mean, it's the worst first date ever. It really was. He never, he never did ask me out or or like give me his number or or anything ever again. That was, I think that was enough yuck for him. I bet he never forgotten.

SPEAKER_01 27:29

Yeah, and also he probably was worried that like you know, your mom was gonna show up with like a trunk of condoms when that moment happened.

SPEAKER_02 27:37

Oh, who knows? Yeah, she would probably she was clearly gonna be a part of your life. There was no getting around that.

SPEAKER_05 27:43

Oh, yeah, yeah. Very emotional about those, about those things. I can't believe your mother did that. You know, she's very much like a Scorpio redhead. Okay. A very passionate, fiery human. Yes, she is.

SPEAKER_01 28:01

And knowing your mom, did she keep a bracelet for herself as well?

SPEAKER_02 28:04

Oh no, yeah, she has her own. Oh, you so you all have matching. Did you wear them at are you married yet? Single married divorce? No, no. Okay, that's okay.

SPEAKER_05 28:15

I was just wondering if you all like all your bridesmates wore the bracelets. No, but they still definitely have them um occasionally. My friend Tierney in particular um still has hers.

SPEAKER_02 28:26

She occasionally It might be fun, you know, like because if you were wearing white at your wedding, and then you know, you're supposed to quote unquote technically be a virgin. You've gone through the whole cycle together with your friends, not anniversaries and reunions that everyone's wearing the bracket. Yes, and we could all you could have parties and they could bring out the bracelets. That's very cute.

SPEAKER_05 28:48

I still cringe though every time uh every time someone brings it up. It is definitely uh yeah, not my favorite.

SPEAKER_01 28:56

That is a disaster, and I'm I'm so so so sorry. Glad you're on the show to tell us your disaster, and uh, you know, at least that's something that won't happen ever again.

SPEAKER_05 29:07

Yes, that was it. Thank goodness. Thank goodness, thank goodness.

SPEAKER_01 29:12

All right, Tisha, thank you so much.

SPEAKER_05 29:14

Thanks, Tisha.

SPEAKER_01 29:16

Now we're gonna say. Now we're gonna say goodbye. Good night.

SPEAKER_02 29:19

Good night, goodbye.